Is this a dream?

Sometimes I think it must be. I had honestly gotten to the point where I believed I was one of those women that General Authorities always mention when talking about marriage-you know, the ones that "will not have the opportunity in this life". I honestly did. I had come to terms with that, and I was okay with it. I had moved on, I had planned my life, and I was moving forward with it.

And then...

Along came the rest of my life.

It blindsided me. I was caught completely unawares. And I love it. :)

This is what happened:

I went to FHE to help out with an activity. I had all but stopped going to FHE at this point, because as I mentioned before, I had given up on the whole dating thing. However, I had promised to come and use my huge vehicle to transport people to the houses we were going to that night. I had not showered that morning, I had worked for eight hours with small children, and as such, was covered in kid goobers. I had also neglected to put contacts in, so I was wearing super-attractive secretary-style glasses. In a word: gross.

I was cutting out paper hearts with my friend Katy, and talking about how my awesome Party Van was going to be the car to be in that night. Right about that time, some new people walked in. In the party of new people was a guy. I didn't really take any notice of him, except he offered to help cut hearts out. We were almost done, so we didn't need him. After the lesson, we split up and got into cars to go Heart Attack some less actives in the ward.  He called dibs on the party van.

We went and did the Attacking, and headed back to the chapel. On the way back, I decided to go off obnoxiously about how I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, and I couldn't believe I wasn't taken yet. I could cook, clean, handle several children at once, and I wasn't bad looking to boot! On and on I went, lamenting the dry spell I was experiencing, having not had a date for several months. Through all of this, the four passengers with me had to sit and listen to me be extremely annoying, and I was sure I wasn't making any new friends on the trip.

Boy, was I wrong.

When we got back to the chapel, I let my hostages out and started to walk toward the building. I saw a woman on the way, a good friend of mine, and started to talk to her about the cookies I had sent to her via my roomie. She and I talked for a good ten minutes about them, as she was interested in how I had iced them. The new guy hung around us for a few minutes, and then awkwardly walked away. I figured he wanted something, and I would find him later. After wrapping up my conversation, I walked into the building and down the hall. Not seeing the new guy, I turned around and walked out, got into my van, and left.

The next day I woke up and saw that I had a message and a friend request from the new guy. He said he would like to end my dating dry spell, and he needed my number to ask me out, as he has promised himself he would never ask a girl out through Facebook. So I grudgingly gave it to him. I didn't understand why he wanted it, and even tried to talk him out of it. He called on Thursday and we went out Saturday.

We both had a great time on the date. We went to dinner at my favorite place, went to a hockey game, and then got some ice cream. It was fun, but I didn't really think anything would come of it at the time.

Fast forward to a week later, I find out he is leaving for BYU in June. I knew at that point that anything that might have happened was now definitely not going to happen.

But then he asked me out on a second date.

And a third.

And a fourth.

And then we were dating.

And the rest is to be continued...;)

For My Brother

So, Jordan is my little brother. He is leaving on his mission to Brazil on Tuesday and I am so proud of him! He gave an awesome talk on the atonement today, and I know he is going to be a great missionary and bring many people to Christ. I know he doesn't read this blog, but I feel I need to write this for him.

Dear Jordan,

I love you! You are an amazing man, and I am so proud of you and your decision to serve the Lord for two years. I want you to know that I know that the message that you are going to bring to the people of Brazil, the good news of the Gospel, is true. I know that we have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who died for our sins. He died that we might live eternally with our Father in Heaven, and that we can be with our families forever. I know that Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ in a grove, and that he restored the truth to the earth in these Latter Days, and I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of a loving Father in Heaven. I know that if we keep the commandments and follow Christ that we can be perfected and cleansed from sin. I know that the only way to have true and lasting joy in this life is to abide by the precepts laid out in the scriptures. I know that the Savior lives, and I know that he loves you! I love you so much!

Love,
Samantha ;)

Wrench

Have you ever noticed that just when you thought you had everything figured out, Heavenly Father decides to throw a wrench in your plans and you have to start all over again? This week I had a pretty big (albeit awesome) wrench thrown into my life.

You remember that date I told you about? Well. one date turned into two...then three...then four...and now I'm kinda in a relationship. And by kinda I mean definitely.

He is pretty much the best, and the fact that he puts up with me and my craziness and LIKES it is not only astonishing, but a completely new experience for me. I have to admit that it took a while for me to be okay with this new development, as I was still clinging to an old relationship pretty hard. But when I realized that I have never been treated as well or with as much respect ever in my life, I decided it would be okay to allow myself to let go of that old news and open myself up again.

I know most of you have probably gone through something similar, so you know how scary it feels to take a step into the dark and have the faith that everything will work out, but so far I am extremely glad that I did. Not only am I happier and less stressed than I have been in a while, but this new development feels so....right. I know I sound crazy (that's okay with me) but I feel like I have known him for a lot longer than a month. I have never felt so confident, so comfortable, or so open with any boy in my entire life.

Yeah, I know. As Bethany would say, "BARFO!!" Haha! But honestly, I am very excited to see where this wrench will take me.

The only major problem is that I have my final Temple recommend interview with my Stake President tomorrow, and now that I am in a relationship, I have NO idea what to do! I know Heavenly Father will help me to know which path to take, but it makes me nervous that basically as soon as I started down the road to the Temple, a fantastic boy shows up. What is the Lord trying to tell me here? Argh!

Can you tell I pretty much love my life? ;)

Anyway, I will let you all know what comes of this, so stay tuned. As always, I love you so very much, and I hope you know how very much more your Savior loves you!

<3 Sam

News

Well, it has been over a month since I last wrote, and a lot has happened!

• I went on a date (yes, this makes the list, since it is such a rare occurrence).

• I applied to UCCS, but haven't heard back.

• I bought a car!!! It's a 2003 Chevy Cavalier, and I love it! I named her Phoebe.

• I did not end up being the cook at the school I work for, so I am still in the classrooms. I work almost exclusively with the 2-2 1/2 year-old children, and it's fun!

• I applied for my substitute teacher license, but haven't paid for it yet (I'm broke, okay?).

I am excited that things are moving forward, and that everything I want to do is happening. Hopefully I will hear back from UCCS soon so I can apply for financial aid and get that going. I am feeling much more confident in myself and what I want for my life, and I have been much happier for it. I am just so grateful for the opportunities I have had in my life, and to discount all the things I have been able to do thus far would be very ungrateful of me. Anyway, that's the news for today! I will try to be more consistent for those three of you that read this blog! Haha! Love you all!

What's Next?

School. I have decided to go back and do something about that dead-end feeling. It struck me last week that I shouldn't allow lack of funding to hold me back, and so I am planning on enrolling in the Alternative License program at UCCS and get my Teaching License for Secondary Education. I want to eventually teach High School English. I have always wanted to teach, but my motivation just wasn't at the right level before now, and I figure I am at a stable enough point in my life to make it happen. Of course, it would have been easier to do when I was still and undergraduate, but I guess I'll just have to have faith that this is what I need to be doing right now. It struck me so forcefully that this is what I need to do, so I will trust that and move forward!

Contemplation

It's been a little over a month since I started my new job, and I still love it. The kids are just so fun to work with! I begin as the cook soon, and so I will not get to work with the kids as much as I would like, but the hours are much nicer, so it's kind of a trade-off. So that is my update as far as the job goes.

As far as everything else, it seems having a job that I like and am good at does not automatically solve all of my other problems. Lately I have just felt a little bit lost. Like there is no forward motion happening in my life. I suppose I have felt this way before, and every time I did, I would move. Move states, move apartment complexes, move out of the country, move back to the states, move out of my family's house. But right now, I have nowhere to go. I can't move. I don't know if I am just getting bored with where I am or if I am discontent with the way my life is going. Before, I could always escape. But there isn't an easy way out of the situation I am in now, and I don't know if changing my surroundings will be at all helpful to me right now.

So what I am left with is the monotony of a never-changing tomorrow that I feel powerless to change. I have a useless degree, a dead-end job, a student loan, and it looks as if very soon I will have to add a car payment to that list. I know I sound like a downer, but I'm not sad or upset, I am just at a loss of what to do next. I suppose I could find a way to keep traveling the world, but I don't believe that will bring me any more satisfaction in life than I have now.

As much as I harp on it, I want a purpose. I want to be needed. I need some kind of responsibility in life. I want to be a wife, a mother, a homemaker. But since thus far I have not even seriously dated, I doubt that I will be in that situation for a long time yet.

So then what? What does one do when denied what they have always viewed as the purpose of their time in this second estate? That is what I am trying to figure out. And so far, I am left a little confused and entirely at a loss.

I know what I want out of life. I know that I was born to a purpose and that I am an immeasurably valuable daughter of God. So what am I supposed to do? There has to be more than what I do now. I just have to find what it is that either I am missing, or that I haven't given enough thought, fasting, and prayer to have received an answer for. Until the day that I find it, I will remain a stalwart, faithful, and humble servant in the Kingdom of our Heavenly Father. And if I say that enough times, maybe one day I will actually become all that I am needed to be.

;) Till next time!

New Job!

So...on Monday, I started a new job at a childcare center (they call it an early learning center, but when you take babies as small as 6 weeks, it's a daycare to me) and so far I LOVE it! It is so much fun to be able to work with kids again, I have always enjoyed kids. I am what they call a "floater", which means I go wherever they need me to go. Last week I worked with the two-year-old, three-year-old, and five-year-old kids for most of the week. i am also in charge of doing the bus run to the local elementary school to pick up some of the kids that come after school. I have about twenty that get a ride on our bus, and I love doing it! Not only is it a nice break, but the kids are just so fun! I hope that I continue to enjoy this new job and that I can make a difference in the lives of the people I work with and the kids I am in charge of.